Balancing Hope & Surrender

The last few weeks have left my head spinning...mostly in a good way. Little things are starting to come together and I feel like I'm walking in less of a fog. It feels good to be able to rest, catch my breath and feel like things are settling a little bit, even if it is temporary.

I wish I could share some of this goodness but the time isn't right just yet. Partially I am not in a place that I have been released to share and also even if I was, I need it to settle in my soul. I need to reflect deeply on this season and see how I have been reshaped and where my heart is just beginning to understand the larger story.

In the midst of all of this, there is one place in my life I felt a spark of hope for the first time in a long time. What that is right now isn't important. Very unexpectedly, I felt a twinge of excitement and anticipation.

Merriam-Webster defines hope as "to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen or be true" & "to cherish a desire with anticipation."

I've spent the last months to years squelching hope in this part of my soul. Every so often it saunters and I feel a flutter that calls my heart to feel. This launches a host of mixed emotions. Should I feel something? Is this OK? Do I trust this feeling? What should I be learning from this situation?

I found myself having anticipation for an upcoming situation that something really good may come out of it. It is something I've written off as an impossibility. I've believed - partly out of fear and partly out of conviction - that this particular avenue was not something that was in my story just now...if ever. I had made peace with it. Grieved the loss of a dream...and then...there it was. Hope was kindled. 

My brain was (and a bit still is) swirling. There is so much that is in this very loaded situation. Overwhelmed, the questions flooded in and my soul was in an upheaval.

What? Why? This isn't right. This can't be happening. Things like this are too good to happen to me. This door is supposed to be closed!?! I've grieved it. I'm over it. I feel guilty for even thinking this is a possibility. How? Really? What does my "gut" say about this? Do I feel this way out of fear, doubt or healthy suspicion? How do I know what to do? How do I  trust the people speaking into my life in this? Is my perspective right? ... Could this really be? Is this meant for me?

For a little over a week, hope settled in. My heart encouraged my mind to wander a bit and entertain the what ifs. It felt good to let this little part of my heart live in the open. This doesn't mean that any of the questions went away. I just became more comfortable with my companion of hope and the just maybes.  

::inhale & exhale::



Photo Credit Sarah Michelle Rupert

What has come of it at this point is that life walked up and popped my hope balloon...which is an appropriate analogy as I really detest balloons. I feel foolish for even having hope, for allowing the flutter of excitement to even rest for more than a minute in my heart, for sharing my feelings with those closest to me.  

I discovered the reason I feel foolish is that I didn't see the whole picture. I was blinded by my hope. I didn't trust my gut because the wave of hope and anticipation crashed in so loudly. Still those feelings are real and today I will have to walk in, face my friends and my team and own my emotions because they too have been on this journey with me. This is not an easy conversation to have. For now I shut the door on this issue. Let it rest for awhile and wait. 

I find myself surrendering in one breath and inhaling hope the next. The two aren't mutually exclusive. The odd balance of  surrender and anticipation makes me uneasy. It feels like these two feelings can't coexist but they do. This situation has challenged my soul, my heart and my assumptions about myself and my God. I can't say I've figured it all out because the situation has changed rapidly. I'm still unpacking all of the emotions surrounding these events.

Proverbs 13:12 (ESV) - Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

I get this verse. I feel a little heart sick. This deferred hope makes my heart sick. The deferral is hard because I have no idea if or ever it will end. For now I cling to what I know - that this all is temporary, feelings are not facts and I've been through harder things. In the end the King of the Universe is in control. I go back to my life verse,  Psalm 18:19 (ESV) - "He brought me out into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me."  In this case, I believe He saved me from myself.

For now I go back to what I know to do and wait to see if hope springs again.

_____________________

Even as I proofed this, a song I've never heard came on my AmazonPrime mix. What this week has been is not heart stopping magnitude but it certainly has caused some palpitations - good & bad. Anyway...enjoy.